Saturday, July 6, 2013

38 weeks and counting


I am now 38 weeks, and getting closer to meeting our precious new boy.  I have been having lots of symptoms over the past week, that let me know that he is getting tired of his cramped area.  In fact, the symptoms were so significant that I finished packing my hospital bag and had to call the on-call doctor.  It was a false alarm, and for this I was relieved.  I want to keep him, all safe and sound, inside me as long as possible.  

The perinatal specialist recommended that I not go too long after next Thursday the 11th.  I have such mixed emotions about planning an induction.  I don’t want him to come out until he is ready.  I have never gone into labor on my own, but I am well aware of the reasons behind the doctors recommendations.  It is just a really hard place to be... knowing that his birth may lead to his loss.   For now I am enjoying his movements.  He likes to stretch his heel out the right side of my belly.  I love to rub it and hold his little foot.  I think that he likes it to!  I hope that he can sense how much we love him.  

I have such large emotions.... they come in waves, but the reality of how close it is until birth make them more intense.  Overall, I continue to have peace... we really appreciate all the prayers and calls of support.  I am in awe of newborns, I really love the season of new life.  I know that it is exhausting, but there really is nothing more precious than the smell of a freshly bathed infant.  The way that they curl up and fall asleep on your chest... the way that their five tiny little fingers curl around one of yours.  When I go to the doctor, and I have been going a lot lately.... I see walls and walls of new baby announcements.    Sometimes this makes me cry.  Not because I am not happy for  all of the people who have a new baby... not in the least.  It is because it is a visual reminder that Josiah is different and his life will be unique.  

This has been one of the hardest parts of this process,  the surrendering of my desires and my will to God.  I want Josiah to be able to nurse.  I want Josiah to be able to sleep on my chest and be carried around in one of the many slings that I have collected over the years.  I want to plan his first birthday party and make him a cake to smear over his little face.  I want to see him wrestling with his big brothers.  I want to see him grow up to live a long and fulfilling life.  I want to see him become a man.  

These are my desires and if I dwell on these, I could easily fall into a pit of feeling sorry for myself and the condition that he has.  I consider it a huge blessing to have known about the Trisomy since January.  The day that I found out, I went for  walk around our neighborhood.  I told God my desires.  I poured my heart out to God.  There is really no choice, but to know that God is God.  He formed Josiah perfectly, and he is a perfect gift.  Even if all of the things that I want and I desire never come to fruition.  This is God’s will for our life.  This process is difficult, but I know that good will come from this.  I know that Josiah is a blessing.  Having so many months to grieve has been really good for me.  I think that God knew that I have needed this many months to have some sort of acceptance of the situation. 


The past 10 months have given us a chance to be parents to Josiah.  We have cared for him in every possible way, and we have no regrets.  We have made decisions for him, and we feel really good about the opportunity to take him to the doctor, and to try to do the best we possibly can for him.  I am grateful for this gift of time.  

The biggest fear that I have at this time is the letting go, if he does not live.  Please pray for us that we will have great peace if we have to see him pass from this life to the next.    Please pray that we will be able to let him go, if this is God’s will.    The separation seems almost more than I could bare, but I am hopeful that I can be strong.  Chad and I have never been more together and in love.  I think it is because no one on earth loves Josiah more than the two of us, and this is a huge bond for us.  I am hopeful that we will continue to support each other through this time.  

I am not sure if I will make another post because the day is getting so close!   We will try to post on Facebook when he is born, and hopefully have some time to update the blog.  Thanks so much for all of your love and support!  

2 comments:

  1. i know it may be an odd thing to say, but "Praise God!" Praise God that He is knitting yours and Chad's hearts together even in such a trial. Praise God that He placed such a strong love in your heart for this boy. God is so honored by your fierce mama-love for Josiah, and by the unity happening in your marriage. God is getting so much glory from something that the enemy would love to have a heyday with. We continue praying that He would hold all 6 of you close to Himself.

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  2. Beautiful, Amanda. Simply beautiful. What a gift Josiah is, and what a gift you and Chad are to Josiah.

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