A month after....

       There is just no good way of responding when someone that hasn’t see me in a while, asks me how the new baby is doing.  Usually, if Luke is with me, he will say, “Oh, he died”.   There is no way of getting around how awkward that is, for everyone involved.  After much advisement, we were told not to say confusing terms with our kids, like, “we lost him”, or “He passed”.  Using clear words takes out any mystery involved, although they do sound very blunt.  I honestly feel sorry for the people who ask without knowing what happened.  I know how I would feel if I were on the other side of that question.  What do you say next?  Usually I get blank stares, and that is ok.  I think I would respond the same way!

       It has been a month since Josiah went to heaven.  Well, to be exact, one month and 15 hours.  A lot has happened in the past month, but the aching in my heart has not gone away.  Actually, I feel like the shock has worn off and the reality that I will never see him again has set in.  I was talking with one of the kindest people that I was blessed enough to meet through this process yesterday.  She works in the Perinatal Loss Office at the hospital.  She said that you just have to go through this time, feel the pain, and not try to rush it.  Although I want to feel better and to move on, the reality is that my baby is gone and I can’t bring him back.  There is an empty place in our family, that the love of God comforts, but doesn’t take away.  Trying to figure out how to live and to grieve properly is exhausting, but just doing the next right thing is how I am trying to cope with all of this.  Initially, it was the loss of the idea of a healthy and normal baby.  After July 9th, it was the loss of his life.    

A friend sent me a poem that is very sad, yet so comforting to me at the same time.  It expresses how I am feeling right now....

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.  I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.  

I think of you in silence.   I  often say your name.   But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.  

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part.  God has you in His keeping.  I have you in my heart.

I shed tears for what might have been a million times I have cried.  If love alone could have saved you, you never             would have died.  

In life I loved you dearly.  In death I love you still.  In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill.  

It broke my heart to lose you but you didn’t go alone for part of me went with you, the day God took you home. 

          I am learning that grief is very time consuming and requires lots of energy.  However, when I think about it, would I have asked God for none of the things of the past 11 months?  Would I have preferred to never have gotten pregnant?  Would I wish that Josiah was never woven into existence inside of me?  Absolutely not.... I know this is hard to understand, especially the chapter in the story when he died.  This is not how I would have ended the story.  Obviously, this was not my desire.  But when I think about it, I am SO thankful for the gift of time that I had.  I am so thankful for supernatural comfort that I received through a time that I never envisioned that I would be able to survive.  I am so thankful that I was able to see the love and support of so many people who surrounded us and encouraged us.  I was inspired by ideas of generosity and support.  My entire view of the world has been changed through his little life.   I would have rather had him for the 38 weeks and 36 hours that I did, than to never  known him at all.    Josiah had purpose and his life was important.  This is one thing that I know is true.  We miss him, ever so severely, but we are honestly ok.  We are coping and we will get through this together.