It is hard to know what to share... the experiences over the last week have been both the best thing that has ever happened to us, and in some ways the worst at the same time. I am so thankful for so many things. Most of all, that I got to hold our precious baby and he got to meet so many of you in such a short time.
I began having some mild labor pains about 2:30 in the morning, on July 8th. I was so hesitant to call the doctor, for many reasons. One reason is that I didn’t want to go into labor. I was in denial, I suppose. I wanted to keep him with me for a couple of more weeks until my due date. I was very uncomfortable, but it was worth it all. Looking back on it, he was worth every bit of discomfort. It was an honor to carry him.
The labor went very quickly. I think this was one of many of God’s mercies. By 3:30, we were sure that the labor process had started and we were in the car at 4 AM. I am so glad that Chad talked me into going. I wanted to wait a little longer to make sure that it was not a false alarm. If we had waited, I am confident that Josiah would have been born along 400S, and that would have obviously not been a good thing. Another “God thing” was that my sister in law had decided to come to Atlanta to spend a couple of days helping me with the kids. She was at our house, so we didn’t have to wait on anyone to get to our place before we left for the hospital.
By the time we got to the hospital, I wasn’t sure that I could make it inside. The contractions were right on top of each other and they were intense. Chad got me inside in a wheel chair, and I it seemed like an eternity as Chad checked us in at the front desk. Again, looking back, I am so thankful that Josiah allowed me to experience labor. I had always wanted to know what labor felt like..... our other three children were all induced. I had hoped to have an epidural, but there was no time. By the time I got to the room, I was dilated to a 6 and within a few more minutes of back to back contractions, I was fully dilated and he was ready to come out. I remember the doctor telling me that they could not give me the epidural because there was no time. She immediately asked me to push and sweet little Josiah only took 2, very painful pushes and he was out. It was such a beautiful experience and I feel so honored to have had him naturally. It has helped me heal so much faster and I was was able to walk around within 30 minutes of his birth without any pain. I didn’t require any pain meds that would have possibly made me groggy or less alert. Even though I was hoping to wait longer, I feel like the process was such a blessing. He was born at 5:20 AM, less than an hour from the time we arrived at the hospital. I hope to remember every detail of his birth. It was one of the best days of my life.
It was a very peaceful, yet intense. I wasn’t sure if he would breathe, or how long he would breathe. He was so beautiful, all curled up on my chest. He was covered in blankets by the nurses and I must have kissed him hundreds of times as we waited to see what would happen. I told him that I needed him to stay around for a while, because so many people wanted to meet him! Especially his brothers and sister. They were able to meet him around 7:30 AM, and the older two were able to hold him. This was such a desire of Ashley, especially. I am so thankful that her wish came true.
I am have been very surprised over the past few days, how attached Luke was to Josiah. I didn’t think that he really understood what was happening, but he was really developing a bond over the past 9 months. He was so proud to be a big brother to Josiah. He was so proud to hold his little brother.
Please pray for their tender little hearts. Telling them that their little brother had died was one of the hardest things that we have had to do. There were so many precious little tears. They loved him very much and he will always be a part of us. We will never forget him. The kids are slowly processing, but we are hopeful that they will be able to remember the three times that they visited. Each time that they were there, Josiah’s breathing was calm and he rested peacefully as they held him. This was such a blessing. Just this morning, Ashley asked me if the people at the hospital did every thing that they could do to save Josiah’s life. I assured her that everything possible was done for him. The care that we received was very compassionate and thorough.
There is definitely a void. The kids have said many times over the past few days that their hearts are sad and they miss their brother. Obviously, we feel the same way. The grief is a very dark place, and I won’t lie, it is intense at times. Chad has been an incredible support as he has been leading us through this week. He decided it would be best for us to get out of town. As I right this, I am looking at the ocean and I can hear the peaceful roar of the waves. I told him this morning that I don’t want to be happy right now, I need to be sad. I need to feel the huge loss that we have experienced. At times, my body feels like an empty shell. I miss the life that was within me.
My heart has been encouraged many times over the past few days. At the very bottom of my sorrow, I know there is a peace. I cling to the scriptures...
Psalm 29: 11 The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.
Isaiah 26: 3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. 4 Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 41: 10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
1 Peter 5: 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Psalm 46: 1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
We have been preparing for his birth for so long, and it has come and gone... too quickly. I don’t want people to forget Josiah. I want people to talk about him, to remember him and to continue loving him, even though he is gone. So when we return, don’t be afraid to speak of him around us. We want to talk about him. Even if I cry, you are not making me sad, I am just sad... so it is ok. I know that as friends, it is hard to know what to do or say. I think the best thing is not to try to make sense of what has happened, or to try to explain it in any way, but just to remember him. Remember the complete gift that he was. Our hearts are full of gratitude for what God gave us, even though his time was brief.
I can’t end a post without saying thank you again. It is times like these, that we recognize how many amazing people surround us. We feel so loved and we are so thankful!
