31 weeks
Well, it has been a while since I posted anything. I sit down to write, and I just haven’t had a clear idea of what I should say. Chad and I would like to thank you all for checking on us. It is really nice to hear from you and to know that you care!
There are really too many things to mention each one, but just know that we appreciate you and that we are so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family.
Josiah is growing, moving, and kicking. We were told at the last US that he weighs 4 pounds. I am feeling very large, heavy, and tired, but at the same time I feel blessed that I have the privilege of carrying this precious boy.
About a month ago, we had an appt. with the specialist that was pretty upsetting to me. the doctor wasn’t sure that Josiah was developing eyes or eyelids. It took me several weeks for this news to settle. It is not that I love him any more or less with eyes or without, but I would love to be able to connect with him through looking into his eyes. We went to the specialist again last week, and a we are happy to report that he definitely has at least one fully developed eye, and that he was actually moving it during the US session! I know that this is a small thing, but it felt like a huge blessing from God. It was a very special moment for me. I am learning to celebrate the little things, that mean so much.
I am officially 40 weeks on July 17th. As the weeks progress, I have such mixed emotions about this date approaching. In past pregnancies, I couldn’t wait to get the baby out of my belly and into my arms! Josiah is different. I know that my body is helping him stay alive, and the fact that his birth will be difficult for him and that he will not be as safe out of my body, it brings a whole new dimension to this.
I am trying to enjoy every kick, to embrace every movement that I experience, as it is my special time to “snuggle” with him. All of our kids love to snuggle, and this is my time with Josiah. I am honored to have all of this time with him, and I am trying not to miss it.
Emotionally, I would say that there is a steady peace that passes all understanding that is the foundation of our day to day. I feel incredible waves of sadness, unlike any other that I have ever experienced; however, we continue to have hope. The moments of tears are coming more frequently, and the thought of what may happen after he is born, can at times feel like more than I can handle. It is in those moments that I have to back myself up and stay “in the now”. Just as God has graciously carried us to this point, we have faith that He will provide us the shelter that we need in the future.
I have began to read a lot of blogs from other parents that has experienced infant loss. Wow, what incredibly STRONG women! It is a “club” that I do not hope to join, but I am really amazed at the depth of character that is developed through fierce adversity. I am trying to remind myself that Josiah is God’s baby. He is letting me carry him, to love him, and to cherish him for a time. I don’t know how long I will have with him, but how many of us do know for sure how long we have with any of our children or loved ones? This life is so uncertain. In the depth of my sadness, I remember that God understands our pain. He actually experienced the death of his son, Jesus. He is acquainted with our grief. I feel surrounded by His love.
Chad and I were incredibly blessed this morning to have the Elders of our church pray over us. We were surrounded, anointed with oil, and prayed over. It was such a beautiful memory, and we will cherish it. As one of my dear friends had her hand on my belly during the prayer , Josiah was moving and kicking! He was an active part of the prayer time! We go to a very large church, but to be cared for in this way was really special. Even in a “mega-church”, the love of Christ was so real and personal. We are grateful for North Point Community Church and the leadership there, what an amazing body of believers.
I will try to post more often... please pray that God will give us wisdom in the coming weeks as we plan for His arrival. There are so many decisions to be made, and we want to choose wisely.
Thanks for walking with us!
